“How can I get them to…”
These tried and untrue statements are so familiar to us because we grew up hearing all the adults in our surroundings repeat them over and over. So WE learned to repeat them and teach our children to repeat them. So what is so untrue about them?
First of all, they take all responsibility for our experience and put it squarely onto someone else (where we believe it belongs to the point of ruining our precious relationships over it). “But it IS their fault!” and “it IS their responsibility!” we cry. And then we weep over the demise of our love.
This shifting of our responsibility onto another shows up in our love life as trying to “get” love instead of sharing love. We stamp our foot and think “You owe me this love, now pay up!”. The interesting thing is it never works. No one wants to have their love demanded.
The harder we try to “get” love from others, the further they distance themselves. Then we try even harder to “get” the love (kind of like when speaking to someone in a different language and they don’t understand, we say it LOUDER). Sometimes we try so hard, we end up “getting” them to leave the relationship altogether.
It does NOT have to be that way!
If you are struggling in a relationship it may be time to take a clear look at what you are expecting from this other person. Are you expecting them to somehow fill up your black hole of emotional need from childhood, adolescence and beyond? Have you been trying to buy them or bribe them or trick them into loving you?
How unhappy is that making you? How does that make you suffer?
What if you just stopped attempting to “get” their love and instead, focused on the deeper, infinite well of love that is within yourself? Then SHARE that love instead? How might you attract them instead of repel them?
Remember what you did initially when you met? You had an image of who and what you THOUGHT this person was and your appreciation for that welled up inside of you as love and you felt compelled to SHARE it. You fell all over yourself trying to share it. And they LIKED it! They even reciprocated with love and appreciation of their own. You were happy with the illusion of who you thought they were.
It was YOUR illusion and it was YOUR appreciation that was welling up in you as love. It was not about you “getting” anything, it was about you sharing the love you were generating INSIDE YOURSELF. Remember how you didn't need to be in their presence to feel their love? That wasn't THEIR love you were experiencing, it was YOURS.
If you don’t believe you are capable of this deeper, infinite love within you, check in for tomorrow’s blog post and I will share a way to experience that love.
Until then, Be Well and Aware,